Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.